30/10/15 – Absolute Beginner

I was out on a run when the call came. A quick glance at the phone and it was not a number I knew. They can leave a message then. Ten minutes later, panting like the overweight, middle-aged jogger that I am, I listened a cheerful message from Lizzi at Independent Age asking me to call her. Uh-oh.

Independent Age (IA) is one of the charities that I’d appied for a 2016 London Marathon place. I’d already had knockbacks from the rest, so IA was my last, umm, hope. Surely, they wouldn’t call to tell you you’d been unsuccessful? The others had emailed. I rang straight back, but being lunchtime, it was my turn to leave a rather breathless message, which halfway through I thought it best to point out that this wasn’t a dirty phone call and that I had just been running.

I’d mentioned to Sue, my missus, that I’d had a call. I didn’t however admit I knew which Lizzi it was, saying only it was West London number and that it was probably one of my clients out that way, who I just emailed that morning over non-payment of an Invoice. The reason for this obfuscation was that Sue was absolutely convinced when she read my entry, that it would earn me a place and I’m never allowed to forget it when she is right. (Sorry dear, but you know it’s true!)

Filling out an application for a charity place is like applying for a job, only more in depth. I’d already filled in a few and had always maintained a straightforward approach. The IA application was different for a number of reasons which nearly all can be traced back to my mate Jim a.k.a. Jim-Bob (the singer from indie superstars Carter USM) and now a.k.a. J.B. Morrison (the acclaimed author).

‘Mr Spoons’, as I became known, has been part of the ‘Crazy Carter Crew’ for a good few years now and amongst the wide variety of jobs I’ve done for them, was writing some sleeve notes from a roadie’s perspective for a new release. These were my first stab at creative writing for a while and I was nervous that my writing muscles had wasted away. I was delighted when the piece was so warmly received. It so happened that the very next thing I sat down to write was the IA application. Emboldened by my perceived success, the straightforward (i.e. dull) was ditched in favour of frisky and frivolous.

It was Jim that put me onto Independent Age in the first place, a while ago when I needed some guidance about a older relative’s care arrangements. A couple of weeks later, he was up for an award. The lead character in his latest novels – Frank Derrick – had been nominated for an Older People in the Media Award, run by IA in associated with Gransnet, for the Best older person’s character in a book, film, TV or radio drama. As a consequence he’d got to know people at the Charity, some of whom even confessed to being Carter fans. So I thought I’d do a bit of name-dropping and allied to that I had a secret weapon in my armoury, which until now it hadn’t occurred to me to use.

It’s this…

You see the fat, alcoholic, patently unfit shambles in the video is me. When it was filmed back in 2007, I was knocking on 18 and half stones. It was typecasting at its best (and I was cheap). It never once occurred to me whilst filming, or indeed, for many years later, that I could ever actually be in a position to run the LM for real. I used to get out of breath running a bath.

Like so many things in life, the series of events that got me to this point was almost entirely accidental and when I was actually concentrating on doing something else. I’ll flesh this journey out as the blog develops, but suffice to say, stones have been lost (yes, I’ve checked down the gap in the sofa cushions) and running has become a thing I actually enjoy. And that became the basis for this application.

That said, I had some misgivings about entering the LM. Since she started running herself, it’s been Sue’s big ambition to build up to the London Marathon, whereas mine has been walking John O’Groats to Lands End (the ‘JOGLE’). However, my running story has been so intertwined with Sue’s that when she finally felt ready to apply, it seemed natural for me also to do so.

Neither of us got a ballot place. With odds of 25 to 1, this was not unexpected. We both went down the charity route, believing that we could raise enough between us to cover the minimum sponsorship requirements. Just two days after I’d submitted my IA application, Sue was accepted by St Christopher’s Hospice for a place. I decided at that point to stop applying myself. This was her thing really, I reasoned, so I could devote my energies to the JOGLE, pencilled in for 2017.

As the declines started to roll in, I won’t deny I felt some relief, but when the phone rang again after lunch and Lizzi confirmed that they would like to offer me a place, I was properly delighted – despite mouthing ‘OH F**K’ at Sue, who was bouncing around the room doing her “I told you so ”routine.

The hard work starts now… although having just been for a run, maybe tomorrow.